Squeeze Page Optin

He walked out of the room quickly giving me a little peck on the cheek. I fell back onto the chair, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world; I was certainly treated like it.
Then I walked out of the door into the garden in my, well his, baggy top over my swimming costume. I took it off and hung it up on the arm of the chair and dived into the pool. I was gliding under water. I heard a splash then I saw a body catching up with me. I went up for air.
“Ahh!” I sighed, lifting up my goggles onto the edge of my longish fringe that was sticking to my forehead. I got out of the pool and went to lay down on one of the sun loungers that were draped with a towel.
“Boo!” He screamed, squeezing my waist, I’m very ticklish there I must say,
“Ahh” I squealed turning around, putting my arm around his neck, kissing him. “Mmmm” I murmured under my breath. His kisses are always breath-taking. Maybe I should tell you about me, I’m Alice and at the moment I am on holiday in Mallorca with my boyfriend, Jack and his parents of course. Tonight we are going to dinner at the restaurant Can Curassa, we have already been there in the last two days, but we loved it there so much we had to go back. It was amazing food and no little kids to bother other people, just peace and quiet well apart from the sounds of the cooking on the stove in the kitchen, scraping of the knife and fork against the plate and the talking, thats most of the noise.
Then he stopped, he must have been hot or something because he did a bomb into the pool. He came up for air then shook his hair about, trying to show of in front of me.
“Come in please” Jack called from the deep end. He was bobbing up and down.
I was cold so maybe I should go for a swim, and then I bomb in next to him, making a big splash soaking Jack’s parents. “SORRY!” I called
“Don't worry” Mrs Cray said laughing “I was a little hot any ways” and then she lay back down again.
I swam some lengths, being watched by him, I was just warming up when something, actually some one, grabbed my legs. I was pulled towards the side, quite fast actually.
When I managed to get free from Jacks grip I swam up to him and floated in his arms, well actually he had his arms under water I was floating above them. Then he kissed me again, even more breath-taking than before.
Then we swam underwater into the little cave under the rocks, where the water was smoothly tumbling off, making the water in the little cave bubbly, we sat on the rocks that were in a shape of a bench and then decided to go back into the sun. Then Jack picked me up and plonked me on the double lilo then he jumped on him self, causing the lilo to tip over and me to go under. I floated to the top and was again plonked on the lilo, this time Jack was already on. His mighty muscles flexed, again showing off, just a thing he does, he knows it always impresses me, well I give him the thumbs up, I think that’s why he does it.
So after the little relaxation period on the lilo I was pushed of as a joke by Jack. Then I went to the sun loungers again and lay there reading my book, P.s I love you, I’ve read it like 3 times already but its an amazing book. Jack came and lay down next to me and started reading over my shoulder.
“Please don’t read over my shoulder” I said putting my book down.
“Sorry” He said, kissed my nose then went to lay down on the lounger next me. He had his tongue out like a dog would when they are out of breath. I looked over at him and started laughing at him. “Oh sorry” He said and pushed his tongue back in, laughing him self.
I got back to reading my book, lay there for about 40 minutes.
“LUNCH TIME!” Mr Cray shouted from the BBQ. I stood up. Then reached for Jacks baggy top and slid my head through the head hole, slid my flip-flops on and walked over to the plastic table, where I sat down next to Mrs Cray. I took a sip of my water then started eating my salad and chicken, I asked to start of course, that would be rude if I didn’t.
After lunch I went to text my mummy, just to tell her I am ok and that I am having fun. When I got to my phone I found I had one missed call. I looked to see who had called me at the time. I checked my messages. I called voice mail.
“You have one new message from Mummy at 2:00 on the 3rd June. “Hey Alice just to say, I hope you have fun and we are all looking forward to see you in 2 weeks, bye love you, oh and say hi to Miranda for me, thanks, bye love you” To delete the message press 3 to repeat press 4” I pressed 3 and slammed my phone shut. Then walked out side.
Jack suddenly caught me and pulled me closer to him and hugged me. It was on of those type of hugs that make you warm and comfy. “Mwa mwa” He said, his fingers trailing up and down my neck.
“Ahh” I squealed again, “That tickles” I squealed again. He laughed and walked off.
I am only 12 so please dont be really really really mean… thanks x

Okay..well let me start off by saying a couple of things. Pros and Cons.

Pros:
- interesting
- pretty good grammar (need some commas and periods here and there)
- pretty good plot for 12 yrs old.

Cons:
- When I was 12…I think I wrote better than that…I am not trying to be mean at all. It took me a long time (I am now 15) to get my stories the way they are. You need to work on your sentence structure.
- Some spelling errors
- Sentences don't flow that well. You went from one thing to the next….they didn't flow…here is an example of what it should be like:
I walked out of my bedroom with a pair of new jeans. I saw my mom and walked towards her. <<bad.
I walked out of my large bedroom into the hallway. I saw my mom standing outside her bedroom tapping her foot. Oh jeez. Quickly thinking, I started to walk towards her. <<Good.
See how the sentences flow better? I am not trying to mean, this took me a long time to get good at….and I am still working at it.

Overral….pretty good for 12. Make some revisions and move on.